From: "Dan Kingsbury" <dkings@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: [fanfic][semi-spoof] Bijo Hogosha Sailor Ursa Part 1!
Date: 8 Jan 1997 01:48:33 GMT

Buwahahahah! <evil laugh, evil laugh> You fell for it! Now suffer the wrath
of a Moonie in withdrawal!

Bijo Hogosha Sailor Ursa
by Ursula Owen/Sailor Ursa
Episode 1- Too much to bear! Who is this rabbit, anyway?

***********************************************************************
*                       SAILOR URSA OP SONG                           *
*       (Sung to a lounge-lizard version of Moonlight Densetsu)       *
*                                                                     *
* Fighting evil by starlight                                          *
* And winning love-           She will never doubletime you on sends  *
* but not quite               She's always there to be friends        *
* Always starting             She's the one who doesn't use Depends,  *
* all the real fights,        She's the one named Sailor-             *
* She is the one named        Sailor Phoenix! Sailor Draconis         *
* Sailor Ursa!                Sailor Pegasus! Sailor Monocerotis      *
*                             Always hanging by the skin of her teeth *
* <groovin guitar solo>       She is the one named Sailor Ursa!       *
* Although this series may be                                         *
* Just another spoof          Fighting evil by starlight              *
* The jokes aren't bad-       And winning love-                       *
* They are the truth!         but not quite                           *
*                             With her Sailor Commandos to help fight *
* (cut to still of SU         She is the one named Sailor Ursa        *
* tripping over her guardian  She's the one named Sailor Ursa         *
* rabbit while others look    She is the one-                         *
* on and sigh)                Sailor Ursa!                            *
***********************************************************************

Narration: It was another seemingly normal day in Seattle, Washington.
           All over the city, kids rose from their slumber to go to 
           school. All, that is, except in the home of a certain young   
           woman named Ursula..
Ursula: <sleeping> Oh, Tuxedo Kamen- I can help you! If I could only 
        reach my Moon Stick..<stretches sleepily> Now where did I leave 
        that..?
Alarm clock: BeepBeepBEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Ursula <suddenly thrashing about>: AUGH! It's the evil minions of the 
        Dark Kingdom! Moon healing escalation! Hah, take that, evil 
        scum! Moon tiara action! Yeah, you got something to say to my 
        face, youma? 
Alarm clock: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Ursula: Oh yeah? <laughs insanely> Well, Tsuki ni kawatte, oshi oki yo!
Alarm clock: BEEEEEEEEEP, damnit!
Ursula: Huh? <sits up in bed, hair hanging over face, eyes wide open.> 
        What the- <stares at alarm clock> AUGH! I'm late! <jumps out of 
        bed, grabs outfit off of hanger, pulls on stockings, shoes, runs 
        upstairs.> I'm never going to make it to the bus in time! <Eats  
        with one hand, makes lunch with another, combs hair with a 
        third, does homework with a fourth. Pauses on way out the door  
        to check herself out in the mirror.> Okay, how do I look? 
        <stops, groans. Hair is sticking every which way, jacket is 
        buttoned wrong, skirt is inside out. sweatdrop> Good one, Urs. 
        <makes quick amends, then runs out the door. To bus> Wait! I'm 
        here!
<in the background we see an odd-looking rabbit with a Band-Aid on its
forehead watching as Ursula gets on the bus>
Rabbit: Hmmm.. <what kind of noise would a ruminating rabbit make, 
        anyway?>

<scene change>

Narration: Meanwhile, far beneath the surface of the Earth (In other 
           words, the Seattle Underground,)..
Queen Polyesterine: Today's Seattle is a den of yuppies and slackers. It 
      should be easy to corrupt, and positively fun to transform into a 
      breeding ground of evil and bad taste. <to kneeling man before her 
      throne> See that it is done.
Rayon: Yes, my queen. <Queen laughs- close-up on glowing black crystal 
       in her right hand. Crystal closely resembles a lava lamp.>

<scene change>

<In her first period class, Ursula is sleeping. Fade to dream: Dressed in a
sailor fuku, Ursula fights the forces of darkness.>
Ursula <moving hands and arms around in completely random patterns>: 
       Atashi wa ai to kimagure no sailor-fuku bishoujou senshi, Sailor 
       Ursa! Sanjou! Hoshi ni kawatte, oshiokiyo! <dream scene change>
       Give me the strength to carry on- Iie, Queen Metallia! Iie! Moon 
       prism power! Buwahaha! <dream scene change: cameo of Ursula and 
       Tuxedo Kamen, gazing into eachother's eyes> Ooh, Tuxedo Kamen-
       sama- suki desu..
Teacher: Ahem.
Ursula <still dreaming>: Hai- nani, Mamochan?
Teacher <sweatdrop>: Could you please wake up long enough to translate 
        this? <pointing to sentence on board: Cupidus sum in via 
        gerendorum.>
Ursula <gradually gaining consciousness>: Uh-um- I dunnow..
Teacher: Translate!
Ursula: Um- okay! I- um- am eager? Of course- cupidus sum is sortof 
        idiomatic.. Am eager- in the road- for wearing? But- doesn't 
        cupidus sum take the dative? <under breath> Oh, man, I really  
        screwed this one up..
Teacher: Dative! O puella abominanda! Laurel, translate!
Laurel: Yes, grammatice. Let's see- I am eager for to be worn in the..
Ursula: Jeez- Nothing ever seems to go right. <sighs, envisions 
        Sailormoon stuff>

<scene change: Ursula and friend standing in hall during passing period>

Ursula: He said he was going to take 20 points off my grade every time I 
        fell asleep in class. That's ten homework assignments! It's not 
        like I'm just being lazy, either- I just can't sleep lately. 
        I've been having the weirdest dreams..
Susie: Yeah, well, now you've got a reason to use those Japanese curses 
       I told you.
Ursula: I'm gonna fail if these dreams don't stop! In the one last 
        night- I couldn't believe it-
Susie: Couldn't believe what? <beat- Susie looks up from her makeup> 
       Ursula? <zoom in on Ursula staring into the distance, then zoom 
       out to a young, preppily dressed asian man walking past, reading 
       a book.> Ursula, what is it?
Ursula: Sore wa- suteki yo! <pause, as the two turn to watch the boy 
        walk past> Are wa- kawaii! <hearts in eyes; Susie groans>
Susie: Not again..
Ursula: Who was that?
Susie: Some exchange student from Japan. Raffety-sensei introduced him 
       in Japanese today.
Ursula: Nihonjin!? Migoto ja ne! What's his name?
Susie: Some weird thing or the other- Tasuke Hiba, I think.
Ursula: No- you're kidding!
Susie: No, why?
Ursula: His name- tasuke means salvation, hiba means sun.
Susie: So? 
Ursula: It's just like in Sailor Moon!
Susie <groan>: You are a super otaku, you know that?
Ursula: Thank you! <hearts in eyes as she imagines herself with Hiba 
        Tasuke>
Susie: Yeah, whatever. <walks off>
Ursula: Hiba Tasuke wa ukasareru yo! <flashes the v-sign, winks> He 
        won't be able to resist me! <moves to go to class, pauses to 
        stare at an oddly dressed man passing the other way.> Weird..
Rayon <quietly>: Buwahaha- this high school will be the perfect hideout!

<scene change: Rayon sneaking around in the basement of the school, setting
up various arcane-looking objects.>

Rayon <waving an odd-looking wand-type thingie>: Mima Clog, come forth! 
       I command it! <dust is flung up in a wide circle from the floor- 
       in the middle appears an oddly-dressed young woman, wearing very 
       large, wooden footwear.> Take over Pioneer Square!
MC: Yes, master!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Announcer: Sailor Ursa will be back right after these messages!

Sailor Ursa: Hey, kids! I know you want to be just like me, right? 
       Right! So go get a complete sailor fuku from Champion Costume 
       Stores! There's sure to be one near you, with locations in 
       Bellevue, Downtown Seattle, Beacon Hill, Lynnwood, and 
       Woodinville! So stop by- you might even see me! <canned applause>

Announcer: We now return to Sailor Ursa!

<scene change: Ursula standing at a Metro stop, waiting to get on the 4
(which, BTW goes downtown near Pioneer Square); in the background a bunny
watches>

Ursula: And here we are again. Isn't this why they have laws about 
        minors working? <sits down next to window, sighs> Wonder who the 
        freak of the week will be. <Images of: A.) Pimply guy wearing a 
        MAGIC: The Fathering T-shirt, B.) Punk with numerous skull 
        piercings and a leather jacket, C.) Neo-hippie with a T-shirt 
        that reads 'Feel the love- Love the Salmon'>
Disembodied voice: Excuse me, miss?
Ursula: Yes? <looks up; Hiba Tasuke is standing over her, an expectant 
        look on his face> Oh..
Tasuke: Excuse me- If I sit here is it okay?
Ursula: Uhh.. <blushes> Uhh..
Tasuke: Miss? <sweatdrop>
Ursula: Oh- Sumimasen! <Nihongo> Please sit down! <thought bubble of 
        Ursula beating herself over the head with a large mallet, saying 
        'Bakabakabakabakabaka!'>
Tasuke: <Nihongo> You- speak Japanese?
Ursula: <N> Hai- a little bit.. <pats seat- Tasuke sits down>
Tasuke: <N> And you go to Garfield? (Gaafirudo ni benkyou shimasu ne?)
Ursula: Hai.
Tasuke: <N> I didn't see you in any of the classes..
Ursula: <N> I'm not in any of the classes.
Tasuke: <N> Then how..?
Ursula: Many, many boxed sets.
Tasuke: Oh.
Ursula: But hey, I learned enough- now I can read my Sailor Moon manga!
Tasuke <groaning>: Ahh- sou desu. (Oh, so that's how it is.)
Ursula: But- that's not, like, all I use it for! I mean, it's not like I 
        spend all my time doing stuff to do with Sailor Moon! I mean, 
        I'm not a super-mega-total-otaku! <thought bubble of Ursula 
        sitting on a bed with SM sheets, watching an SM video, hugging a 
        SM doll, in a room wallpapered with SM posters with shelves full 
        of SM manga> Really!
Tasuke <dubiously>: Sure. <groans, then smiles somewhat unconvincingly> 
        Well.. <thinking> Why do these American girls always have to 
        pick *me* to fall in love with?
Ursula <thinking>: Oh, god, he must think I'm a total dork. Nice one, 
        Urs.
Tasuke and Ursula <thinking>: Oh well..

<cut to Ursula waving sheepishly as she steps off the bus. Tasuke is
sweatdropped. Ursula looks back from across the street as the bus turns a
corner.>

Ursula <thinking>: He didn't even look back.. <sighs, turns to face the 
        wind> like always.. <begins to trudge towards Pioneer Square. 
        The wind picks up and carries her glasses off> My glasses! 
        <looks back: her glasses are sitting on the pavement next to the 
        mysterious white rabbit that has been following her> <N> A 
        rabbit? In Seattle? <thought bubble of Ursula waving her arms, 
        ala Melvin in 'Cherry Blossom Time', and shouting 'Look at me, 
        I'm sailor Moon!'> No way!
<rabbit grabs her glasses in its mouth and runs into an alley>
Ursula: Hey- come back here! Someone catch that furball! <chases rabbit 
        into alley; it's dark and spooky.> What the.. Where'd it go? 
        <looks around- rabbit is hiding behind nearby trash can.> I 
        don't get it. <notices something out of the corner of her eye- 
        spins about to see> What's that? <kneels down to get a closer 
        look; a black glow is coming from behind another trash can.> 
        It's like- night- only bright- <hears a clank from behind her> 
        What the- <spins again, comes face to face with rabbit> The 
        nerve! Alright, you little.. <Gets freaked out as rabbit 
        continues to stare, then paws at bandage on forehead> You've got 
a-  Band-Aid? Here, I'll take it off. <pulls on Band-Aid, then 
        harder- falls back as Band-Aid pulls off with a *pop*> What the- 
        No way.. <rabbit has a large, golden star on its forehead> Oh my 
        god.. <eyes go wide, waves arms ala Melvin in 'Cherry Blossom 
        Time;'> Look at me, I'm Sailor Moon!
Rabbit <in a slight English accent>: Could you please stop that? And 
        furball- I find that offensive.
Ursula: Oh, I'm sorry- WAIT A MINUTE- you talk?
Rabbit <sarcastically>: No, it only looks that way. OF COURSE I talk.
Ursula: But- you- the- and- <groans, eyes roll back in head> I can't 
        take this.. <collapses on alley floor>
Rabbit: I should have expected it with that blonde streak..

<scene change: Ursula is floating in dream ether or whatever. Nearby, a
young, rabbity-looking woman with two ponytails and a star on her forehead
appears.>

Rabbit: I am Stella. I need your help to fulfill my mission.
Ursula: What's your mission?
Stella: I have to find the cosmic guardians- the two people who can 
        combat the evil of the Nightfall crystal- the Northern and 
        Southern Crowns. <images appear of two people, one man and one 
        woman, whose faces are clothed in shadows> 
Ursula: Huh?
Stella: Borealis and Australis Corona.
Ursula: You didn't just say what I thought you said, did you?
Stella: Huh?
Ursula: The Cosmic Guardians? It sounds like something out of a Power 
        Rangers show.
Stella: No it doesn't. Now if you're not going to take all this 
        seriously-
Ursula: What're you going to do? Besides, I've got more chance of taking  
        all this seriously than anyone else. I do, after all, watch 
        Sailor Moon.
Stella: What does Sailor Moon have to do with this?
Ursula: Well, let's see- I've just pulled a Band-Aid off your head to 
        reveal a celestial marking, and now you're telling me you need 
        me to help you find the Cosmic Guardians, who- don't tell me- 
        are from a kingdom that existed some 1000 years ago, ne?
Stella: Well, yeah, so?
Ursula: Oh, never mind. So how do I help you?
Stella: That remains for you to find out.
Ursula: Oh, jeez. Please, don't tell me you're going to go into this 
        whole Taoist thing with me. Luna didn't.
Stella: Luna? Who the hell is that?
Ursula: That remains for you to find out.
Stella: Oh, spare me.
Ursula: Aren't you supposed to give me a mystical item or something?
Stella: It's not enough that I'm giving your pitiful life a purpose, you 
        want a mystical item too?
Ursula: Yes.
Stella: Too bad. I don't have time for that.
Ursula: Well what kind of a mysterious empowerer are you?
Stella: None. I'm a rabbit with a problem.
Ursula: Yeah, whatever. Look, I have to get to work soon-
Stella: You'd rather go to work than save the universe?
Ursula: Do I get paid for saving the universe?
Stella: That's it- I've got better things to do with my time.

<scene change: Ursula wakes up in alley. It's getting dark.>

Ursula: Well *that* was surreal. <notices that something is odd> What's 
        this? <looks down at necklace> My pendant.. <her necklace now 
        has a star motif pendant on it, glowing slightly> Well, I guess 
        she came through after all.. Wait a minute- what am I thinking? 
        There's no way that I just- Hoo, boy. I'm losing it. Cosmic 
        guardians, and an evil crystal? No way. <remembers Stella's 
        human face> Now *she* looked like a princess- come to think of 
        it, she looked like- <laughs> I'm really losing it.
Disembodied voice: Help!
Ursula: Huh? <picks up glasses, runs out onto the street. People are 
        running every which way, shouting.> What's going on?
Mima Clog: Come back- learn the beauty of wood!
Ursula: What're you doing?
Mima Clog: Introducing people to the wonders of the Underground! Here- 
           have a pair of platforms!
Ursula: No! I've already got a pair of shoes that I'm quite happy with!
Mima Clog: Well, if you won't take my shoes, then I'll just have to KILL 
           YOU instead!

<commercial break>

Announcer: Sailor Ursa will be right back after these messages!

Sailor Ursa: Hi! I bet you've always wanted a neato Star Pendant, just 
             like mine, right? Well, for a limited time, the Shane 
             Company has perfect replicas of my Star Pendant <sans 
             jewels, glow, and metamorphic powers> on sale for only $200 
             each! So go out and get one! Because, remember, The Shane 
             Company imports direct, cuts out the middleman, and passes 
             the savings on to you. Sailor Ursa says! <canned applause>

Announcer: We now return to Sailor Ursa!

Ursula: Oh, no- this weirdo woman wants to make me wear platforms! What 
        am I going to do?
Mima Clog <with an evil laugh>: The 70's are coming back, you know!
Ursula <shrinking back against the wall and chewing on nails ala Usagi>: 
        Oh, god- it's a 70's Revival Society Member! <Stella-rabbit 
        appears at her feet> Shouldn't she be somewhere dancing to disco 
        or something?
Stella: Transform! Use the pendant!
Ursula: Oh, so you weren't just a dream. But.. <looks really confused> 
        What do I SAY?
Stella: I don't know! Say whatever the hell you want, just press the 
        center jewel down. Transformation phrases are a well-known cock-
        up anyway!
Ursula <with a wicked grin>: Okay.. <Presses center jewel of pendant 
        down> STAR PRISM POWER- Make-up! <Extraneous transformation 
        scene follows- glittering gold stars drag large swaths of 
        glittery fabric around Ursula, which melt away to reveal- a 
        sailor fuku.> Cool! <Stella groans>
Mima Clog: What the hell? Pleated mini-skirts went out a long time ago, 
           hon- Wait a minute.. Were pleated mini-skirts ever in?
SU: Back off, you negascum!
Mima Clog: Huh?
Stella: What's a negascum?
Mima Clog: Whatever. So who are you?
SU: I- well- er- for love and humor, I am the pretty sailor-suited 
    soldier, Sailor Ursa!
Stella: Oh, god..
SU: In the name of the stars, I will punish you!
Mima Clog: Um- yeah, sure. So how are you going to punish me? Dip me in 
           bleach so that I conform to your white-bread monoculture 
           ideals of fashion?
SU: Uh- *nooo*, I'm going to stardust you!
Mima Clog: Um, yeah, sure. Like to see you try.
SU: Uh-oh.. <pauses, looks down at Stella> Um, Stella..
Stella: What?
SU: Do I get a weapon?
Stella: I don't know, I'm a newbie at this too. Since you seem to be so 
        big on it- What would Sailor Moon do in this situation?
SU: Well, this being the first ep.. She'd use her tiara, but I don't 
    have- <shuts up as a large, tacky tiara appears on her brow>
Stella: So use it!
SU: Okay.. Star Tiara ACTION! <tries to pull tiara off, but ends up 
    scratching her face instead> Stellaaaaa- it won't come OFF! 
    <collapses on cobblestoned sidewalk and begins to cry.>
Mima Clog: Now I have you! You'll die for trying to keep me from taking 
           over Pioneer Square! The Underground will reign supreme! 
           <steps forward brandishing a pair of wood platform shoes, but 
           is stopped as a hothouse peony suddenly appears in her path.> 
           What the hell..?
Disembodied voice: Trying to put platform shoes on an innocent young 
                   girl in a short skirt- for this I will not forgive 
                   you!
Mima Clog: Oh, and since when was I begging for your forgiveness?
DV: There is no excuse for your evil, and as such, I will punish you!
Mima Clog: Oh, you too? Well, get in line.
SU: Who *is* that?
Voice: I am the terror that flaps- no, that's not right. I am the 
       guardian of the greenhouse- no, that's wrong too..
SU <sweatdrop>: It sounds like *he* doesn't even know who the hell he 
    is.
Voice: Oh, the hell with it! <a young man in a mandarin-collared shirt, 
       white brocade vest, and formal tuxedo with cape appears from 
       behind a large tree. His face is obscured by a large white mask.> 
       I am Twilight Kao, and in the name of girls with short skirts 
       everywhere, I will punish you!
Mima Clog: Jeez, what a perv. And do you normally attack while in formal 
           wear?
TK: Only on special occasions!
SU: I don't get it- WAAAAAAAAAAHH!
TK: Don't worry, Sailor Ursa- I'll protect you!
SU: Oh, no you don't, male chauvinist puta!
TK: But I-
SU: Just back off- I'm sure I can take care of this negatramp myself.
Stella: What *are* you babbling about?
SU: Just let me try this again, Stella. <gingerly picks at tiara- this 
    time succeeding in pressing the central jewel and generating a 
    bright flash of light> Star Twilight FLASH! <pauses, turns toward 
    Stella> Wait a minute- that's a manga attack- and not even the first 
    one!
Stella: The hell with it- just as long as it fried that witch!
SU: Wait a minute- I fried her? <looks around- Mima Clog has 
    disappeared, leaving only a pair of large, red clogs behind.> Oh no- 
    I killed someone.. <collapses on sidewalk and begins to cry again>
Stella: Oh, for god's sake- this is no time for a crisis of conscience!
SU: You're right- I should have had it before I killed her!
TK: Sailor Ursa- if it's any help, she was probably quite willing to 
    kill you..
SU: I don't care- I killed her.. WAAAAAAAAAHH!
Stella: Oh, get a life- now, or I'll take the pendant back and give it 
        to someone else!
SU: Okay, okay, I'm better! No need to make extreme threats!
Stella: So that's it. You're Sailor Ursa. <sighs, bows head> Couldn't 
        you have picked a better name?
SU <admiring her sailor fuku>: Nope! 
TK: I'm making my dramatic, mysterious exit now. Good work, Sailor Ursa!
SU: Yeah, whatever.. <as soon as he's gone> Jeez, what a dork.
Stella: He did save you..
SU: Yeah, so? I could have stopped that nega-whatever easy anyway!
Stella: What's with all this 'nega-'stuff anyway?
SU: Well, it's a long story..
Stella: Oh, god..
SU: But- if you insist! Once upon a time, there was a happyperky TV show 
    called Sailor Moon in Japan. Then, along came the evil DiCheads, who 
    dubbed the show badly.. <voice trails off- fade to still of SU 
    walking off with Stella, and a mysterious man in a cape on the 
    rooftops>
SU: Hey, what do you think you're doing? This is my show! Get out of my 
    still!
TK: Okay, okay, I'm gone- remember, kids, Twilight Kao dolls are now 
    available at your local toy store!
SU: OUT!
Stella: Will you calm down?
SU: But- oh my god, what time is it?
Stella: About 4:00. Why?
SU: I'm late for work! <cuts out for the Mutual Life Building>
Stella: Wait! You're Sailor Ursa! What'll we do if a monster attacks 
        while you're at work? Or at school, for that matter!
SU: They won't! They never do! Haven't you ever seen Sailor- <is 
    interrupted by sounds of rabbit growls and loud ouches> What? I was 
    just trying to explain that- Ouch! Stoppit! <fade to black with last   
    bars of theme>

<commercial break>

Announcer: Sailor Ursa will be back right after these messages- well, 
           not really, but you're just dumb kids, and you don't know any 
           better! <laughs>

Sailor Ursa: Now available for your PC- Sailor Ursa, the .bmp files! 
             Wallpaper your desktop with some of your favorite shots 
             from the series, 'cuz we're too cheap to make any better 
             ones! Now only $45 with mail-in rebate! <canned applause>

Announcer: And now back to Sailor Ursa!

SU: Today on Sailor Ursa, I fried a bad guy. But frying is an important 
    skill to acquire, and it's not just something you can do with a 
    tiara. You've got to work on your frying skills, and the best thing 
    to work on them with is PAM<TM>! Pam leaves no greasy aftertaste, so 
    that the real taste of your food shows through.
Sailor Draconis: Excuse me, did we even sell the Sailor Commando says to 
                 the sponsors?
SU: You- you're not supposed to show up until next week! 
SD: Like I'm going to listen to a shoujo dork like you! Listen, kids, 
    Ranma kicks Sailor Moon's ass any day!
SU: You want to say that to my face, witch?
SD: Sure!
<sounds of Sailor Commandos bickering fades into intro of ending theme>

************************************************************************
**                       SAILOR URSA ED SONG                           *
**       (Sung to a lounge-lizard version of Moonlight Densetsu)       *
**                                                                     *
** Fighting weevils by starlight She will never doubletime you in Bends*
** And winning love-             She's always there to be friends      *
** but not trite                 She's the one who doesn't use Depends,*
** Always darting                She's the one named Sailor Ursa       *
** past the real fights,         She's the one named Sailor Ursa       *
** She is the one named          She is the one- Sailor Ursa!          *
** Sailor Ursa!                                                        *
************************************************************************
************************************************************************