From: "Dan Kingsbury" Subject: [fanspooof] Bijo Hogosha Sailor Ursa 8- Break Down! The Fic Hits the Fan! Date: 28 May 1997 06:01:19 GMT As if you cared, here's another thrill-filled, melodramatic episode of my twisted little fanspoof- Bijo Hogosha Sailor Ursa Episode 8 by Ursula Owen/Sailor Ursa Break Down- the Fic Hits the Fan! Sailor Ursa: Today on Sailor Ursa- what can we do? Teflon, the Underground's fourth general, has appeared, and she's out for blood! It looks like that's what she'll get, too, when she takes over the Seattle Center and starts attacking people en masse! How will we cope with the strongest enemy we've ever faced? Stay tuned- and I'll show you! ********************************************************************** * SAILOR URSA OP SONG * * (Sung to a lounge-lizard version of Moonlight Densetsu) * * * * Fighting evil by starlight * * And winning love- She will never doubletime you on sends * * but not quite She's always there to be friends * * Always starting She's the one who doesn't use Depends, * * all the real fights, She's the one named Sailor- * * She is the one named Sailor Phoenix! Sailor Draconis * * Sailor Ursa! Sailor Pegasus! Sailor Monocerotis * * Always hanging by the skin of her teeth* * [groovin guitar solo] She is the one named Sailor Ursa! * * Although this series may be * * Just another spoof Fighting evil by starlight * * The jokes aren't bad- And winning love- * * They are the truth! but not quite * * With her Sailor Commandos to help fight* * (cut to still of SU She is the one named Sailor Ursa * * tripping over her guardian She's the one named Sailor Ursa * * rabbit while others look She is the one- * * on and sigh) Sailor Ursa! * ********************************************************************** [cut to Susie dreaming; she's sitting on a riverbank near a mountain] Susie: It's so beautiful here- so peaceful... If only the whole world could be like this... [dreamily, she reaches down to dip her foot in the water, then stops] So- so- [looks down] Oh my god! [the river is dark red, and clots have gathered on Susie's foot] The- the- it's- blood! Where- where did it come from? [looks upstream- the mountain has turned into a huge pile of bodies] NO! [focus on some faces- Commandos, family members] This- can't be! It can't! [cut to Susie lying in bed, tossing back and forth] It can't be! [scene change; Crystal dreaming; she's sitting at a table with Nylon] Crystal: Here's to a month of peace. [toasts, as does Nylon] Nylon: A month of peace. At last. [leans back, yawns] It feels good to live free of fear, doesn't it? Crystal: Yes, it does. [looks at Nylon's glass] You silly, you didn't drink any! Nylon: Was I supposed to? Crystal: Yes! That's what a toast is all about! Nylon: I thought it was a slice of heated bread? Crystal: Not that kind of toast! It's where you take a glass, lift it to a certain event- like an entire month of peace- and drink! Nylon: Well- I'll do it if you'll do it. Crystal: What? Nylon: Call it instinct. In the Underground, we never drank anything that someone else hadn't already. Crystal: But you're not in the- oh, nevermind. I'll go first. [drinks, grimaces] What the hell is this stuff? It tastes terrible! Nylon: I don't know. I asked for chardonnay. Crystal: Yes, well, this isn't wine. It tastes more like- like- blood- Nylon: What? Crystal: I said- [begins to choke] it tastes like- blood- Nylon: Oh no! Bloodwine! [also starts to choke] Crystal: What- [passes out] Nylon: It's poison- but only to- humans- [collapses] Crystal- Crystal: Why? [reallife- Crystal tosses back and forth in her bed] I don't understand- why? [scene change to Heather dreaming; she's in her dojo, practicing] Heather: Up, through, down, again- follow the path, Tanaka-sensei says, follow the path. What if I can't- [pause; smiles] Ah- found it. And people think that this takes discipli- Ah![slips, falls] Oh, damn. [picks herself up off the ground] Now I have to start all over again. Stance, begin. [continues practicing; goes into trance] Voice: Well, well, well. Look at the nice clean dojo. [Tanaka- sensei walks in] Heather, you've surpassed yourself. [Heather doesn't respond] Heather, have you found it yet? You've been practicing for hours. [still no reply] Heather, are you all right? Heather[whispers]: I've found it. [looks up, eyes glazed] I found the path. [smiles] I have no need of you. [Tanaka-sensei screams; real life- Heather tosses back and forth in her bed] Nooo! Sensei! It's not- not- [scene change to Urs dreaming; she's walking down an alley downtown] Ursula: What's that- It's like night- only- bright- [bends down to look through a basement level window] Ah- Aaaah-[falls through the window, into an abyss] Help! [keeps falling; eventually hits rock botom] Ah- [pulls self off of floor slowly, looks around] Oh my god- [everywhere are statues of people from Urs's life; Mom, Commandos, sibs] No- it can't be- [walks over to one, reaches out slowly to touch it- it crumbles into dust] NOO! [one by one, the others crumble into dust] This- [picks up a handful of dust, clutches at it; it disappears] Can't- be- [real life; Urs tosses back and forth in bed] No- and it's all my fault- [scene change to Tasuke dreaming; he's standing in a misty plane, hands bound] Tasuke: What's this? [pulls at bonds] Where am I? Whisper: This way- come this way... Tasuke: Who are you? Whisper: You'll know- just follow me... Tasuke: But- wait- how do I know I can trust you? Whisper: You don't... Tasuke: As good an answer I've ever gotten, I suppose... [flash of a young woman with long, black hair in a sailor suit smiling, saying 'You don't.'] Another whisper: Still remember me, do you? Tasuke: What? Aimaiko? [looks around] whisper2: And here I thought you'd forgotten. Tasuke: Never- I'd never forget you! whisper1: My prince- what're you waiting for? Tasuke: I- whisper2: Tasuke- after all we had- Tasuke: We have! We still have! whisper2: Silly boy... [both voices] All that's in the past... Tasuke: No! The past is all I have! [real life; Tasuke sits up straight in bed] What- what does it mean? [reaches for photograph on sidetable; girl with long, black hair and her face cloaked in shadows] Are you telling me something? [cut to the Underground; Teflon kneeling before Queen Polyesterine] Queen Polyesterine: How goes the aboveworld campaign, Teflon? Teflon: Wonderfully, My Queen. The Sailors have yet to taste my full power, and when they do- well, let's just say that they won't bother you any longer. Queen Polyesterine: What- full power would that be? Teflon: Well, I can do many things. For example- from this jumpsuit, I would appear to be male, correct? Queen Polyesterine: Well, yes... Teflon: Watch this! [snaps fingers; suddenly wearing a dress] And now I would appear to be- Queen Polyesterine: Female! [pause] So which are you? Teflon: That's for me to know and you to find out. Queen Polyesterine: Sounds like fun- but how will this do anything to the Sailors? Teflon: I'm not going to use that power on them! I'm going to use my powerful energy blasts. Queen Polyesterine: What powerful energy blasts? Where did you ever get powerful energy blasts? Teflon: It's genetic. My father- never mind. Don't worry, though. I can take care of a few teenaged ditzes. Queen Polyesterine: These teenaged ditzes killed Rayon and corrupted Nylon. Don't forget that. Teflon: Rayon was a fool and Nylon was a pedophile. Queen Polyesterine: And Spandex? Teflon: Well- let's just say he didn't fit in. I feel nothing for him. Queen Polyesterine: Very well. Go- but remember. You are our last hope. You *must* find the Nightfall Crystal so that we can repopulate our kingdom. Teflon: Don't fear, My Queen. I think I know just where it is. Queen Polyesterine: Oh really? Whe- [Teflon disappears]-re. Or not. [cut to downtown, middle of night; Stella snooping around downtown] Stella: The girls may not know it, but the end is pulling near. This next general will be our last, and we'll find the Coronae soon. The crystal as well- Now how did I know that? Stop imagining things, Stella. Instinct is for people too stupid to analyze and resolve a situation. Now- to find the next mima. I've got a feeling that it'll show up somewhere around here- [pause] Hah. Stella, you're one to talk about reason. Now- where is that dark energy coming from? [draws near Seattle Center] Ah- it's close by... [creeps into the Center House; sees Teflon standing in center] Hey- who's that? It looks like one of the Underground's generals! Teflon: Alright, let's get this evil plan in motion. First, the decor- [gestures; the Center House turns into a Negaverse-esque house of horrors] Next, the staff- [cries out] Forces of the Nightfall Crystal, to me! Mama corps, come forth! Stella: Mama? I thought it was pronounced mima! [gasp] And does this mean that they have the Nightfall Crystal? Teflon [making odd gestures]: I summon thee! [a group of five monsters appear] Now- each of you get out there and get me some people to populate this place. I was thinking of calling it 'Madame/Messieur Teflon's Stone Museum'. Of course, it'll take me a while to get the really famous people, but for now I can just exhibit the higher-quality ones and sell them to anyone who wants one. Then I can donate the proceeds to a local charity for the gender disabled. Stella: How devious! Teflon: Anyway, you need to get going. I've got a tra- I mean, a store to set up. Now move it! [monsters move out; Stella hits the road] Stella: I've got to tell the Sailors and get them here now! Before Teflon succeeds with her- his- its wicked scheme! [runs off] Announcer: We will return to Sailor Ursa after these messages! Teflon: Hi! I'm Teflon, from TV's Bijo Hogosha Sailor Ursa! Is your house dirty? Like, really dirty? So dirty that you'd have to bring in an archeological excavation team to even see the floor? Then you need to get Max, You Suck household cleaner! M,YS is the strongest commercial cleaner available on the market today, so strong that it actually dissolves the other cleaners outright! I use it to clean my jumpsuits! [looks down] He he- oops! [winks] So get Max, You Suck cleaner- it's the best! [pause] It also makes an excellent poison! Right, Teflon? [sound of chains shaking] Announcer: We now return to Sailor Ursa! [cut to school, the next morning; Sailor clique sans Ursula looking quite dead to the world.] Heather: I think I'm gonna die... Crystal: You too? I haven't been able to sleep for the last week. Susie: I don't know about you, but I've had- Heather: Nightmares? Me too! Crystal: And me! [stare at each other; silence] This is really weird- what do you suppose it means? Susie: There's something in the water? Heather: No- there's something happening. Something is coming. Crystal: What do you mean? Heather: I don't know, but I can feel it. Whenever I practice, there's something on the edge of my consciousness- something dark. I feel- polluted- [shudders] Susie: I know what you mean- when I look out of the corner of my eyes, it's like there's a shadow there, something looming, waiting. Crystal: All I feel is scared. And tired. I'm not sure I ever want to go to bed again. Heather: Yeah, well I don't think you have to worry about it for too much longer. If the feeling I'm getting is right, either we're going to get rid of this- thing- soon, or... Susie: Or... what? Heather: Or we won't be having to worry about anything anymore. For a very, very long time. Crystal: Now that's bullshit. What could kill us? We are the great, the mighty- [strikes bodybuilding pose] the Sailor Commandos! We can't die! Susie: Yeah, what kind of a series ending would that be? [pause] Unless this thing is going to be- outside our sailor lives- something real- [stare at eachother again; long silence] Crystal: Okay, this has got to be just some feeling, okay? Just some little intuition, only it's wrong, got it? Dreams are dreams, and these dreams are just nightmares. Heather [relieved]: Yeah- this isn't an anime. We are not in an anime, and everything is going to be just fine. Dreams mean- Susie & Crystal: Absolutely nothing! Heather: Right! Susie: That having been firmly established,- [Urs pops out of nowhere] Ursula: Good morning. [slumps against wall] Susie: Hi! Crystal: Good morning! Heather: How are you? Ursula: Why're you all so damn- [pauses, pales] Uhm, I'm fine. Susie: Great, great! Good dre- [pauses, pales] How was breakfast? Ursula: Well, now that you mention it, I haven't slept, thank you. I'd rather stay up and guzzle caffeine, fry my brain and stunt my growth, fail my tests and flunk out of school than- than- Crystal: Not- you too? Bad dreams? Ursula: I don't understand it- stupid, really- [to self] How could it be my fault? All I did was touch them- Susie: Hey, Urs, are you okay? Talking to yourself- you'll set the administration to wondering... Ursula: I don't care! Screw the administration! [pause] Susie, Heather & Crystal: Ewwwwwwww![Dr. Charlie Walker III (principle) walks past] Dr. Charlie Walker III: Now I don't want none of that sort of talk, what with the teenage mothers and all. Young people today got to get they act in gear, worry about they grades and keep off the drugs! We got a zee-roo percent tolerance policy for drugs here at the GHS, and if y'all don't want to find yourselves on a little ASS you better not be on any of them IUDs with the CFCs or the XYZs. Heather: Uh- thank you, Dr. Walker. I'll keep that in mind. My aikido instructor once said that- Dr. Charlie Walker III: Aikido? Sounds like something pretty bad, girl, better seek medical help for that! Heather: Um- yeah. [turns back to others; Dr. Charlie Walker III wanders off, babbling about something or other] Anyway- any idea when the next mima is going to show up? Ursula: What am I, prescient? Susie: No, though Stella- sorta kinda said that you were the leader. Heather: I wasn't asking you in particular! It was a general sort of thing! Does ANYONE have any idea when the next mima is going to show up? [long pause; people stare] Um- you know, Mima, the band? The- um- techno band? Person: Hey, didn't they play with Aerosmith? Heather: No. Person: Oh. Crystal: Look, we'd better get to cla- [Stella appears out of nowhere] Stella: Guys! We have to get going! The Underground is targeting Seattle Center! Ursula: You're kidding! They'll get half the grade school population of Seattle! Susie: Half the slacker population! Crystal: Half the artsy population! Heather: We've got to do something! [Stella sweatdrops] Stella: Ah- I believe I said something to that effect? Person: Uhm- excuse me- Heather: What? Person: Did that rabbit just talk? Crystal: Uh- Susie: Uh- Heather: Uh- Ursula: No. It was just a figment of your imagination. Go to class. Person: Um- okay. [leaves] Ursula: Now- Let's go! [Sailor clique starts running; Tasuke Hiba is walking and sees them run past] Tasuke: Hey- where are they going right before school is about to start? And was that a- rabbit? This bears investigation! [runs off after them] [cut to Center House; Teflon is standing by the door as a group of grade-school kids walk up] Teflon: Hello, kids. Welcome to the Center House! Today's theme is 'Scary Things That Go Bump In The Daylight.' Now- [grabs one kid] What scares you the most, dear? Kid: Uh- Monsters... Ones with big scary teeth... Teflon: Is that so? Well, then, let's see what I can dig up. Mama Mala- you're with me. Come on in! [opens the door; kids follow at first, then look around. One of them grabs her mother] Kid: Mom- I'm scared. Mom: Don't worry, Roselle, it's just decorations. See? That lady is just wearing a- bodysuit or something. And lots of cosmetic makeup. Kid: But what about the extra legs? Mom: Animatronics, dear. I think. Teflon: Now, why don't you all just stay here and Mama Mala will take you on a guided tour- of your own nightmares. [kids look scared; Teflon walks off] Mama Mala: Now kids, I just want to remind you that the opinions and sights in this exhibit are not those of the Seattle Center or its subsidiaries, and that any injuries or permanent trama resulting from this exhibit are not adequate grounds for a lawsuit. Teflon: Where did you get that? Mama Mala: One of the janitors told me to say it, right before I turned her to stone. Kid: Turned her to- stone? Mommy! Mom: Don't worry sweetheart. I'm sure it's just a joke. Mama Mala: Well, no, not exactly, but I think it's pretty funny. I mean, look how she looks now. [points to stone statue in corner; kids gasp] Can you imagine looking like that for the rest of eternity? Now- who's first? Your image will be preserved for posterity! Kid: What's posterity? Kid: What's an image? Kid: You idiots! My image will be preserved for posterity anyway- I'm going to be the smartest person in the world! Mama Mala: And what's your name, dear? Kid: David. Mama Mala: Well, David, I'll be sure to carve that on the bottom of your statue- your last monument. Kid: What're you talking about? I'm not gonna die until I'm 134 years old! Mama Mala: You never know- life is a strange thing... [smiles at David] Now, what do you have to say about that? Kid: He turned to stone! Mama Mala: Yup. Who's next? [kids and parents cower] [cut to Sailors sitting on metro, looking extremely irritated] Ursula: I can't believe this. Heather: What, that the 4 was so late? Susie: That they wouldn't accept our two dollar's worth of change for bus fare? Crystal: That they're staring at us right now because we're sitting on the bus in the middle of the day when we should be in school? Ursula: No, that that one guy wouldn't let us ride with him. I mean, we explained why we needed to! Susie: I think he thought we were nuts. Ursula: Maybe we should have worn our sailor suits- guys like sailor suits, right? Susie: I don't think we would have had the right figure for them. Crystal: Why not? Susie: We aren't anime characters. We couldn't *possibly* have the right figures for them. Heather: Besides, we did sort of look like jailbait. He was probably just saving himself the 7 or 8 years that a statutory rape charge would have cost him. Ursula: Oh, as if! He had way too many pimples for that! [other sailors groan] Crystal: The word 'superficial' immediately comes to mind. Heather: Anyway, here's our stop. Everyone off for the Seattle Center! [sailors get up and head for door] Old Guy: You have beautiful bodies! Susie: Um- thank you buh-bye! Old Guy: Your hair is gorgeous! Susie: Buh-bye! Old Guy: Jesus loves you! Heather: It's very simple- smile, nod, and walk away. [sailors smile, nod and walk away] Old Guy: Can I have your number? Address? E-mail? Please? Ursula: I'm smiling, I'm nodding, I'm walking away, but he's not stopping. Heather: Get off the bus, idiot. Ursula: Oh yeah!! [they get off the bus and head for the Center House; nearby, Tasuke pulls up in a Ferrari] Tasuke: Alright, it's time to see what those girls are up to. They should be in school! Why am I not surprised- that Ursula is so irresponsible. I'll just park the Ferrari here- [mugs for camera] You know, things are so much cheaper in the US. I couldn't have bought a Yugo in Japan! [parks, jumps over the side and runs after girls; they run up to the center house; Mama Mala is standing at the door] Ursula: Spooky- it looks like something from Sa- [sailors tackle her and gag her] Heather: That stupidity aside, let's go in. Mama Mala: Wait! [yells in] Did we have any high-school kids scheduled? Teflon: No! But- well, bring 'em in anyway. We've got room! [Mama Mala leads them in] Susie: Okay, this is beyond spooky. This whole place looks like it- congealed. Heather: What is it? Crystal: It's Nylon's refrigerator! [Ursula finally chews through her gag] Ursula: It's that stuff from the Alien movies! Teflon: You're all wrong! It's genuine Underground Goo! Ursula: Oh, like from Ghostbusters 3! I get it! Teflon: No! Anyway, take a look around- it may be your last! Susie: Wait a minute- you're from the Underground! [Stella magically appears out of nowhere] Stella: I believe I told you that the Underground was taking over the Center House, didn't I? What, did you think I was sending you here to babysit? Crystal: Well, no- but- we can't- trans- [darts eyes at Teflon, who looks back and forth between the girls] Teflon: Oooh! Four girls, one talking rabbit- you must be the Sailors, right? [long, long pause; sailors boggle] Ursula: Hey, how did you know that? Teflon: Well, it's fairly obvious- and you were going to show up eventually. I'm not your average dumb general, you know. Susie: You sure? Teflon: Quite, dear girl. Now let's stop sniping and get this whole dreary affair over with. Heather: Hey, that isn't funny! This is serious! You're stealing energy- right? Teflon: What do I need energy for? I'm just here to wreak havoc. See these statues? Heather: Yeah, so? Ursula [faintly]: What about them? Teflon: I'm going to use them for target practice. [grins] Ursula: NOOO! Sutaa Purizumu Pawaa, Meiku OBAA! [extraneous transformation sequence; at the same time, Tasuke Hiba runs up just in time to gawk] Tasuke: It can't be- she's Sailor Ursa? [pause] Ewww! Announcer: We'll return to Sailor Ursa after these messages! Twilight Kao: Have you ever wanted to have your very own tuxedo? [shouts of "NO!" from the audience] I knew you did! The problem is, most tuxedos are just too expensive for the average joe these days. But all that's about to change! Introducing the Henshin line of men's evening wear! These clothes clean themselves, don't take up any space at all, and are guaranteed to look good every time you wear them! As a bonus, we'll include the regenerating Peonie[tm] with every purchase! All you have to do is shout! The Henshin line of menswear- for class on the run! Announcer: And now back to Sailor Ursa! [cut to sailor clique standing around; Ursa has already transformed] Susie: Well, I guess there's no use in waiting. Pegasus Power, Make Over! Crystal: Unicorn Power, Make Over! Heather: Dragon Power, Make Over! [three extraneous transformation sequences] Teflon: Well, that took long enough. Now- let's get this- he he- over with. Chi! [fires a blast of dark energy off at the sailors; they dive. Pegasus falls behind a statue of a small boy, his face wide in terror, and Teflon shatters it with another blast] Sailor Pegasus: Oh, shit! Good thing we don't have to pay the damages for these! Sailor Draconis: Just use them for cover if necessary. We've got to keep away from those blasts! Sailor Monoceros: Use the big ones! The little ones shatter too quickly! Sailor Ursa: Guys, wait! You don't understand- those statues are- SP: Get moving, Ursa! [sailors run for it] Tasuke: I've got to help them- but- that's- [long face] Ursula! Gross! Teflon: You better run- while you can. Mama Corps, get them! [four mamas start sneaking after the Sailors] You might as well give up now, Sailor Twits, you haven't got a chance! I've got more power and experience under my belt than anything you've encountered before! SD: I won't talk about how badly that could be construed! SP: How come you stupid supervillains can't ever stop talking? Teflon: If we're talking stupidity, how about you, for yelling and revealing your location to me? Chi! [sends off yet another blast] It's a wonder you've survived this long! SM: Yes, well, we are rather wonderful, aren't we? [ducks behind a statue of a tour guide, which shatters] Holy shit! [runs] SU: Guys, you can't use the statues for shields! They're- Mama Mala: Hey Sailor, behind you! SP: Ah! [MM smiles; Pegasus turns to stone] Mama Mala: That's one! SD: Pegasus, what happened? Pegasus? SM: Pegasus? SU: Susie! No! SD: I don't understand! What's happened? She can't be- dead? SM [running over to Pegasus]: No, she's not dead- she's rock hard! It's like she's become one of these- statues- [look of horror] Oh my god, these statues are people! SU: I tried to tell you- SD: No you didn't! Nothing was stopping you, Ursa, you could have just yelled it! Now- these people- If you had told us, we could have moved so that the people weren't endangered! Instead, you ran around with your damn fragmented sentences, and now at least three people are dead, and Susie's- SM: We don't have time for this! We have to find a way to get Pegasus back to normal, as well as the others! Teflon: Can't be done! My magic can beat yours any day! Mama Corps, pick them off! Their death will be a tribute to the coming of the new regime! SD: Hide! We've got to keep from getting taken! If we separate, maybe we can pick the mimas off![sailors dart off in different directions; Draconis runs up a stairway onto the second level and starts creeping through the hall] Come on, you evil little buggers- I've got you- [a mama with snake hair appears behind her] Mama: Looking for me, little girl? SD: Ah! [starts running, but mama catches arm] Let me go! Mama: Not a chance. Now, look into my eyes. SD: Not on your life, bitch! [does one of those fancy Ranma-esque martial arts moves that knocks the mama into a nearby wall] That'll teach you! [stands over her, gloating, but mama gets up and catches her with both arms] Mama: Sorry, dear, but your little love swats don't do zilch to me. Now- [eyes glow] accept your fate. [Draconis turns to stone] Good girl. [cut to Monoceros, who's sneaking through a back hall] SM: Now- I'm not going to get caught. I am, after all, the girl who always wins at laser tag, and this is just like that, right? I've got the advantage, too, since I'm- um- more scantily clad than them? Who am I kidding? Oh, well... [keeps creeping until suddenly a mama appears right in front of her] Oh, shit! Unicorn Pure Stream! [cut scene; the mama disappears, reappears right behind her and grabs her] Mama: Hey, sweetheart, how you doing? I know we haven't gotten to know eachother very well, but I think I'd like to get closer to you. [smiles] Pucker up, baby. SM: No! [struggles in vain] Mama: Oh, you know you want it- SM: What are you, a high school boy? The hell I do! [struggles again, again to no avail; mama grabs her and plants a kiss on her neck; Monoceros turns to stone] Mama: Some girls just don't know what they want. [cut to Ursa, snake-crawling through the statues] SU: Look at all of these- and there were three more- Draconis is right, it's all my fault, just like in the dream- [sniffs] What good am I anyway, huh? Tell me that? I can't even save my best friend! [looks up at one statue, gasps] Mom- Roselle- what are you doing here? No! Why did you come here- why did God put all of the people most dear to me here, now? There's only one who isn't, and that's- Tasuke: Sailor Ursa! SU: Oh, god, no! Leave! Run! Before they get you, Tasukechan! I couldn't stand for you to- as well- Tasuke: What do you mean? SU: Don't you see? My mother, my sister, my best friends- they're all here, now, because of me, and because I can't fight they're going to die! All because of me! Tasuke: No! Be strong, Ursa! You can fight! The other Commandos can too- we can defeat them! SU: What do you mean, we? Tasuke: I- uh- well- um- [thought] Oh, well. I suppose it's only fair, since I know hers and all... [out loud] Well, I'm going to help you! SU: Um- how? Tasuke: Um- hiding? No, seriously, I'm going to transform into Twilight Kao and help you. SU: Oh, come on- Twilight Kao? That dork couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag! Tasuke: Hey! I would be insulted by that if I wasn't in lo- I mean- um- above that sort of thing! SU: Wait a minute- so *you're* Twilight Kao? Tasuke: Um- yeah. SU: Then you're not a liar after all! Well- not exactly... Tasuke: When was I ever a liar? SU: When you said all that stuff about going on dates with Sailor Ursa- I mean me- and- um- stuff- [uncomfortable silence] Tasuke: Um, yeah. Anyway- I'd probably better transform now- Star POWER! [+++cut scene+++ Tasuke transforms into Twilight Kao. Yatta.] SU: That's it? Twilight Kao: Yeah, that's it. SU: Bleah. [TK facefault] Teflon: Hey, Sailor Ursa! Your friends all have something to say to you! SU: What? Teflon, you scum, my friends are busy! What kind of trick are you trying to pull? Teflon: Actually, your friends are right here- and they're *waiting*... TK: It must be a trap! SU: I have to check! TK: But- SU: I'm going! [runs along balcony and peers over] Teflon: They'll make great statuary! [Ursa gasps; the three commandos are standing in the center, stone] I think I'll put them right next to my putting range! SU: How dare you?! [jumps down to floor] You've done enough damage, Teflon! I'm gonna shut you down! For love and humor, I am the pretty sailor-suited guardian, Sailor Ursa! Fer sure! In the names of the stars, I will punish you! TK: And in the name of the crystal and my love, I will punish you! Teflon: All talk and no action makes the Sailor gits sitting ducks, dear. Of course, now they're rather- vulnerable, wouldn't you say? [reaches out, snaps off a piece of Monoceros' braids] Look at that- so fragile... SU: NO! This I will not allow! [breaks out running for the center and Teflon] Star Staff Extraction! [cut scene- Teflon is unaffected] Teflon: I think your staff is missing something dear- a crystal, perhaps? TK: A crystal- what crystal? SU: I don't know- Stella told us about it! And we have to find the Cosmic Guardians! TK: The what? Teflon: Enough already! Time to die! Chi! [sends a blast of energy flying at Ursa and TK, who collapse next to eachother] SU: I don't know whether we're fighting for the same thing, Tasukechan- but we have to be on the same side now- TK: Ursa, didn't you know- I've always been on your side. [drags himself up, helps her] Come on- together we can beat her! Teflon: Oh, you wish. Get a life. Chi! [sends another blast at them] SU: Keep- trying, Teflon- I've got nothing left to lose but him now! TK: Yeah- you can't stop us! Teflon: You think you haven't got anything left to lose? [aims at sailor statues] Just wait until I blast them into oblivion! SU: NO!!! [jets forward; Teflon smiles; flash on face of each statue] Teflon: CHI! TK: Ursa! Wait! [follows her- straight into the energy blast. The statues shatter and the whole scene explodes with white light] SU [voiceover]: This wasn't- how it was supposed to end- where's our happy ending? [cut to dreamlike scene of Ursula floating in ether, wearing an odd dress] Ursula: This is wrong- I'm alone. I need their help! Draconis, Monoceros, Pegasus- Twilight Kao- and- one other? Who? You have to help me- I can't do it alone! [fade to black] Announcer: We will return to Sailor Ursa after these messages- okay, so I fibbed, this is a cliffhanger and you won't get to find out how it ends until next week. Like I care! Na na na na puu puu! Sailor Pegasus: Hi. I just want to say that- that was, like, really pitiful, and none of us are that immature. Really. Sailor Ursa: Today on Sailor Ursa, we learned about blame and hidden identities. Now, blame is all very good in small doses, but if you make a mistake, you're accountable for it when it all comes down to it. I, however, am not, because I'm a superheroine and I don't have to pay the consequences! [grins] Sailor Draconis: What's with that? I don't think so! It's all your fault that those people died! If you had told us sooner, we wouldn't have used them as shields! SU: Well, yeah, but this is TV! I don't get blamed- I'm not supposed to! [starts crying] Oh, Hesaachan, you're so mean to me! SD: Oh, give it a rest! Finish your moral message already! SU: Oh- okay... Anyway, secret identities are all very good in small doses, but when it comes to the people you really love, you shouldn't lie to them! Sailor Pegasus: Wait a minute- you didn't tell me that you had a secret identity! I found out for myself! SU: It's TV! I don't have to abide by my moral messages! Na na! SD: I'm almost wishing she'd died back there. SU: You mean I didn't? Yokatta ne! SP: You're still walking and talking, and you think that you're dead? SU: No- I thought I was in hell, 'cuz Heather's here. SD: What's that? What did you say? SU: He he- see you next time! Trailer: Sailor Ursa: Next time on Sailor Ursa- Memories! What will the Commandos do when faced with memories of past lives? What will I do with Twilight Kao? And what's this crystal that's shown up? Is there another Commando? Can we beat Teflon? Stay tuned- and I'll show you! [whispered] Hikari wa motsu- daiji messaju!